Learning About God

Sometimes you pray to know God.

Sometimes you pray to know yourself.

Over the last few years, I have prayed a lot to know God. But recently, I have been praying to know myself. And in the process, I discovered something that I didn’t realize before- I’m too smart for my own good. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I mean it literally.

Throughout my life I have sought for knowledge above everything else. I wanted love; I wanted to be understood; I wanted friendship; I wanted help; I wanted so many things that I didn’t understand. And I thought that maybe if I could understand them, I could figure out how to receive them. If I just knew enough about love, maybe I could figure out how to make myself lovable. If I knew enough about God, maybe I could figure out how to be like him.

What I have realized though is that you can’t learn enough about certain things to make them happen. You can learn about chemical reactions and what causes them and then initiate some reactions, but no matter how much you learn about the sun, you can’t initiate or replicate its heat. You may get close, but you will never completely succeed.

The same is true with God. You can learn about God. You can learn a lot about God. But… that knowledge won’t initiate his grace or replicate his glory, at least not on its own. Only Christ and his atonement can initiate the process of change within us. Learning about God does not make me like him. In fact, it almost makes me less like him because some things can only be understood on the spiritual level and as long as I keep trying to understand it intellectually, I can’t fully accept it spiritually.

So recently, I have been trying to learn less about God and more about myself. The more I am learning about myself, the less I want to be like me. And that is really the most amazing part about all of this. God shows me who I am so that he can show me who he wants me to be. And as I learn to see my flaws, I learn to rely more on God, which teaches me more about him than I ever learned by reading and studying about him. I am learning to learn less and feel more, and as I am doing so, I am learning more than I ever thought I could.

A Change of Heart

It seems strange when you find yourself comforting, sympathizing with and just plain loving someone that at one point you felt you hated.

I am not naturally a very forgiving person. I believe in justice far more than I should, and I am a skeptic of the benefits of mercy.

But I am trying to change. I am trying to be better and forgive more and let go of past pain. I am trying to see things from another’s perspective and assume that everyone is doing their best.

Sometimes I feel like I am getting better and sometimes I don’t. But this weekend I was able to see a great change in me that I never thought would happen.

I hugged and comforted someone who basically tortured me when I was a child. They weren’t always mean to me, but I still have memories that haunt me of times I spent with them. And yet, as I held them and spoke kind words, I felt none of the anger I used to feel towards them. I just felt love.

If that’s not a change of heart, I don’t know what is.

Christ is real. The atonement is real. And it can really change us completely. I’m not who I used to be, but I am on my way to becoming who I want to be. I know it wouldn’t be possible alone, but with God all things are possible.

Give Me Your Eyes

I was listening to this song on the radio the other day called, “Give Me Your Eyes”. It talks about seeing all the people around you the way Christ sees them. As I was thinking about this, the thought came that we see through Christ’s eyes by going through hard things. When we go through difficult things, we have the opportunity to see the difficult things other people go through.

Asking for eyes like Christ’s is being willing to accept the challenges you need to go through to sympathize with another’s pain. Then, after we’ve been given the gift of understanding another’s pain, we need to pray for the courage to act on that understanding.

Unanswered Prayers

How many prayers have gone unanswered because I didn’t stop to take the time to care?
How many chances have I missed to ease someone’s pain because of my own fears?

How many people have hurt longer than necessary or waited in vain or cried too long…
Because I refused to listen to my heart and help when they needed it?

How many people have I not made friends with because I didn’t say hello?
How many people have prayed for relief and found none because I wasn’t there?

How many people have I hurt by doing nothing?
How many people have I let down by staying silent?

How many prayers have I prayed that seemed unanswered because someone else didn’t stop to help?
How many times have I cried with no hope of relief because no one else would be there for me?

Then, stop and be there.
Heart, win over my mind.
See the needs and take action.

Stop letting fear be your guide.
Stop thinking things though.
Stop waiting for someone else to help.

Help people so they have hope.
Help people so their prayers will be answered.
Help people so that one day your prayers may be answered too.

And be the person God made you to be.
Be who you know you are inside.
Don’t be afraid to do good, to be good, and to really live.

Christ Loved the Broken

I’ve mentioned in a few previous posts that my best friend is currently homeless. Well, I used to think that I was pretty understanding of people who struggled with addictions or homelessness or other issues. But honestly, I had no idea.

I’m a pretty nonjudgmental person. I mean, I know how many things I struggle with so I’m pretty forgiving of other people’s struggles. I know no one is perfect, and I don’t expect them to be. However, I would still think things like, I hope that guy stays away from me or that’s sad but there’s nothing I can do. But now, I’ve realized that there is something I can do. I can care.

My best friend is homeless and she doesn’t always have food to eat. My best friend is homeless and is struggling to hold a job because of her mental struggles. My best friend is homeless and is consistently mistreated by the people around her, even people who should be helping her.

And I… I will never look at another human being the same way again.

No wonder Christ spent his time with the weak and hurt and broken. No wonder he lifted the heads of the downtrodden and helped those that no one else would. Christ understood that that broken person was someone’s best friend. He understood that someone loved that person and needed that person and would do anything for that person. And he understood that they weren’t just someone’s best friend, but His best friend. He knew their valiant spirits and He loved them because He saw what was there to love.

If you have never felt love towards a homeless person or a drug addict or a convict or someone else that society looks down on, just think that they could have been your best friend. Maybe they could even be your best friend.

Are you seeing them as a person? Are you really seeing them? Or are you seeing a glimpse of how life has broken them down?

My best friend is amazing. She is beautiful and selfless and wonderful. She makes me laugh when I feel like crying and smile when I see through tears. She is the most giving, loving, helpful person I know. She is my hero. And even though she is struggling right now, I couldn’t love her more. She is and will always be my best friend and I miss her and I love her to pieces.

Seeing my Weaknesses

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.“

God has been really good at showing me my weaknesses throughout my life. And I guess it’s a good thing because I’d probably be really arrogant if He didn’t. But sometimes it’s really hard to see your weaknesses. Well, more accurately, it’s hard to realize how much your weaknesses affect you and others around you and to see how weak you really are.

Luckily for me, that second part of the scripture has also been a strong force in my life. I wouldn’t say that all my weaknesses are strengths, but God has definitely taken my weaknesses and used them as strengths.The most obvious example is with autism. Autism is a huge weakness for me. I feel like most of my mistakes, and most of my insecurities, stem from autism. But I have also been able to use autism as a strength to help hundreds of people.

Anyway, this week my weaknesses have become very obvious. Well, to be entirely honest, the past month or two have shown me my weaknesses over and over. It almost makes me question if I need to be more humble. But I’ve also seen my weaknesses being used as strengths at the same time.

So even though it’s hard to acknowledge that I have weaknesses and that they affect most of my life, I’m glad that I have the chance to use them as strengths. I know I am a better person because of my weaknesses. I know that I wouldn’t have learned many things I know now without my weaknesses. And I know that I wouldn’t be as compassionate or understanding without my weaknesses. So I am forever grateful for my weaknesses and I pray that as I continue to come unto Christ, He will make my weak things become strong.

“Take my yoke upon you”

A yoke is what binds two animals together and allows them to work side by side to pull a load that they wouldn’t be able to pull separately.

I see the atonement of Jesus Christ as the yoke that allows him to work beside us. He has taken our sins, sorrows, and problems upon himself that he may share our burden and in turn lift our souls.

When he says my yoke is easy, I take that to mean that taking his yoke upon us is easy. All we have to do is say that we want his help and he comes and walks beside us without a second thought.

He also says “my burden is light”. This can be interpreted in many different ways. I interpreted it to mean that he has already borne his burden, so now it is light. He went through unbearable trials alone so that all of our burdens would seem light in comparison. His lonely struggle made him strong enough to help us through anything we may go through, and understanding enough that he knows exactly how much we can bear and when to step in and help and when to allow us to keep working.

“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest to your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

-Matthew 11:28-30

For those of you who aren’t religious (as well as those who are), this can also be applied to friendships. I’ve always said that I’m grateful for my trials because not only have they made me stronger, but they’ve also allowed me to be able to understand other people’s struggles and help them.

I think friendship is the “yoke” that allows us to pull together, to help each other through this life. Sometimes we have loads that we can’t bear alone, but together we can get through more than we can alone. Our burdens can become light as we share with one another our strengths. Not by sucking up other people’s strength and giving nothing back because that just leaves a bunch of broken people, but by sharing, trusting and mutually helping one another to bear burdens that alone would be overwhelming.

By Cgoodwin (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

I originally posted this as a note on my Facebook page in 2011 and decided to re-post it here with a few edits.

A Higher Calling?

Have you ever had an experience that was so great and powerful that you could never be the same after it?

A few years ago I had an experience that has forever changed me and shaped my life. I won’t describe the experience in this post, but I will say that because of it I can no longer doubt that God exists. I can no longer say that I believe that God lives and loves us because now I know it. I know God lives. I know He loves us. And because I know, I want to let others know.

I have often reflected on this experience and wondered why God would take the time to show me something so special. I have wondered, who am I for God to trust me with greater knowledge? Who am I that God would bless me with knowledge instead of faith?

Faith has always been good enough for me. I believed in God and trusted in Him. He was my best friend for much of my life. In fact, I believed in God so much that I could even say then that I knew Him and His love for me. Not because of any great revelation, but because I felt His love. I felt His arms around me in times of trial and when I prayed, I felt like someone was listening.

Now though, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I know God is real. I know the scriptures are true. I know that God loves us. I know that He sent His Son to die for us so that we could live with Him again. I know Christ came to Earth and lived and died for us so that we could be saved through His grace.

And so, with this knowledge, I question what the Lord has in store for me. I wonder if God has given me this experience because He has some higher calling in store for me. I wonder, if that is true, why would He have chosen me? I’m a nobody. I’m a simple girl with lots of problems. I am a weak being.

And yet, I think of Moses who said “I am slow of speech and of a slow tongue.” (Exodus 4:10) I know that if God wants me to do something, He will provide a way for me to do it. I don’t expect to work mighty miracles like Moses did, or have great wisdom like Solomon, or convince people like Elijah. In fact, I don’t expect to do anything in my life that will be remembered for generations or put people in awe. But if the Lord has something greater in mind for me than I have for myself, I will trust that He will make me good enough to do His work.

Until then I ponder why God would show me such great love when I am so small and simple. Yet, “by small and simple thing are great things brought to pass.” So I will strive to do my best to follow God and be the great person He wants me to be. I know that by myself I am nothing, but “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Understanding Life

I don’t know what God has planned for my life but whatever it is I think I’m going to need to be very understanding in order to accomplish it. I’ve been blessed with many trials in my life. Some of these have been well known by others and some of them I haven’t even really known or understood. But I can’t help but feel like each of these trials is leading me somewhere. Each trial changes me, forms and molds me to the person that God wants and needs me to be in order to accomplish His plan for me.

I sometimes think that either I must have needed a lot of work to get me to where God wants me to be or He must have really trusted me in the life before this one. That’s not to say that I am complete or done on my spiritual journey, but I think God is slowly carrying me trial after trial to the person He knows I can become.

I remember hearing a talk in church where someone was asked if their trials were tests from God, how they thought they had fared. I’d like to say that I’ve passed my tests with flying colors, but that hasn’t always been the case. I have struggled through some tests and I have probably failed miserably on others. Luckily for me, the tests aren’t over yet. I have always sought to learn from my past mistakes and I hope that when certain trials come up again, I can pass them a little better the second time around.

I’ve also heard it said that life is only a test. I have to disagree with this statement. Our life and our trials are not only tests. Tests are meant to measure how much you have learned, but generally do not teach you much in and of themselves. Trials on the other hand can teach you things while you’re in them, after you’ve overcome them, and even before you go through them.

Life isn’t just a test, it is a journey. We aren’t simply being graded on how well we do in each situation, but we are being taught, molded and formed. We aren’t here simply to prove ourselves worthy. We are here to become worthy, to become great and noble warriors, to become kings and queens.

God didn’t send us to Earth so that He could weed the weak from the strong. He sent us here because it was the only way we could learn certain things. God wants us all to return and live with Him, but He wanted more for us than simply living with Him. We already lived with God before we came to Earth. What God wants though is for us to become great. He wants us to reach the potential He sees in us. That’s why He sent us here, not to torture us or test us, or see who could be good enough but to help us become like Him.

That’s not to say that we’re going to become like God if we live our lives well. This life is just a step on a journey to greatness. God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving. If you think you can achieve that sort of greatness from this life, you are a much better person than I am. But slowly as we learn and progress on this journey and in the life after this journey, we will grow to be more and more like God and more and more worthy to be called His sons and daughters.

I don’t know what life has in store for me and I definitely don’t know what it has in store for you. But I know that as we try to do our best and learn from our mistakes, that God can and will make us greater than we’ve ever dreamed. Through our trials and our experiences God will help us see the greatness in ourselves and form us into the noble kings and queens He sent us here to become.